At the end of the curb

...when you needed me you paid attention
if something had to get done...you called and called.
you suddenly became my best friend because you thought that would be music to my ears
you told me thing that painted such a pretty fruitful picture in my mind
you made me believe that I was valuable to the bigger picture
but now i've come to realize that isn't so

the day came and went and everything went all well
now that it's all done and over
you are also done with me
i'm not asking for much but don't take me for granted neither
you've put me at the end of the curb now that my job is done and you've got no use for me
but you'll come around again when you find yourself in need of help and i won't be there


Ok, so just wanted to vent a bit about something. I don't appreciate it when at one point there are people who will constantly bug and badger a person to aid them. But once they've received the help, that it's done for them...that they no longer know you exist. Just because you got what you need from the person, does not mean that you no longer have to deal with them.

I can't truly express what it is that I'm feeling inside...but all I know is that if I didn't just let out my anger and frustration out it will just fester inside me and make me miserable.

...i'm so cheesed right now...
why?? just cause...
cause of people's small gestures to show me that they care one way or another....

...i'm pretty open when it comes to showing people that i care about them
i usually go out of my way to point it out to them...
and so when someone in return shows me that they care...
it causes my heart to smile.

my heart smiles when i think about the special people in my life....and the gift of their friendship

i'm feeling depressed today...this week actually. Everything is starting to just build up inside of me...and it's starting to suffocate me. To a point where all I want to do is just cry...and cry until I can't cry anymore. I can't even explain why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I don't even know why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling right now. Nothing seems to be going right...nothing ever happens as they should. Change is the inevitable...and it's how we deal with change that matters, isn't it??

There is so much weight on my shoulders of the burden that I seem to be carrying from work, life, family, finances etc. I can't stand the idea of standing in this exact same spot and doing nothing. I can no longer wear a smile on my face, when deep down inside I'm dying slowly. It's getting to the point where I'm ready to pack my things and not look back. There's this urgency within me to flee from all that is familiar and to venture into something so unfamiliar. However, even with the unfamiliarity of what may lie ahead...there's this feeling of comfort slowly burning in the deepest parts of my soul.

Maybe there I will find that happiness or even that missing link or discover something about myself that I failed to find these past few years. I haven't felt this depressed in such a long time. Last time I was this depressed...I didn't like the person in the mirror. I want to take over before it's too late.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
5

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
10

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
15

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

friendship

The value of a friendship can mean so many things to so many people.

I truly value my friendship...granted I do take some for granted. But the ones that I do hold near and dear to my heart, I try my best to cherish them. I don't want to count how many times you did this for me, or how long I've known you. I just want to know that unconditionally you'll always be there for me to support me, to encourage me and to appreciate me.

Lately, I've turned to certain people in my life to be that shoulder to cry on, to be that ear that listens to me vent endlessly, that sound board to throw out my ideas to. And I can't express how grateful I am to them. You're friendship brings a smile to my soul to know that there are people out there who aren't looking for anything back in return. I hope that when the time comes when you'll need that special friend, that you can turn to me to take on your heavy burdens.

understanding

So, I'm blogging a bit early when I should be getting ready for work. I'm just tired...tired of everything. Not even physically tired but emotionally and psychologically drained. I'm not impressed with the indirect guilt trips, or shots at me. I'm not perfect I understand that. But all I'm asking for is just a little bit of understanding. Try to understand my side of the situation. I've looked at all angles of the situation and I understand your side. But if the tables were turned would I be understanding? Of course I would be.

I just want to give up...not care about my dreams, my aspirations, my hopes for a better life. For what?? Just to please everyone. But I'm so tired of having to please everyone. I want to make MY own decisions, MY own choices and worry about ME! I'm trying not to let my day be ruined but I can't help it.

Thanks to those who have listened to me vent since last night and have understood me. You guys are always there when I need that shoulder to turn to and that ear to listen to me. I'm sorry for being such a Princess! lols

nonsense

In life, we sometimes try to go out and find "love". But what exactly does love look like? How do we know when love is standing right infront of us? For some people, love is having butterflies flying around in the pit of your stomach at even the thought of that special someone. For others, love is learning to accept the not so good qualities in that someone.

I think that the search or the discovery of love is similar to finding your favourite ice cream flavour. Ice cream and love?? Well, think about walking into an ice cream parlour and you're bombarded with a variety of flavours to choose from. You walk up and down, you read the names of the flavours but in the end you have to choose just one. But how do you know which one to choose or which one will be your favourite? Well, you end up having to try a few flavours here and there until you finally decide what you want. Have you ever chosen a flavour because it looked so yummy and even the name was tempting, but after just one lick you realize you made the worst choice ever. Similar to love...you don't always get the right flavour and often we're so blinded by the way it looks. But all we can really do is just keep trying.

So you've finally found that favourite ice cream flavour...and no matter which ice cream parlour you go to, you just have to have that same flavour. And you notice that each and every time, there's a new flavour being introduced but you still go for the safe flavour because you know that you like it and you know what it's all about. You have found that you're quite comfortable with just that ONE flavour. Often, we as people get into that same pattern to "love"....we get COMFORTABLE. We just settle for that one flavour without trying out the rest of the flavours not realizing that we could potentially be missing out on the hottest flavour out there.

Ok, so you're all probably wondering...where is she going with this blog? Well, I suppose what I'm getting at is that we have to keep trying until we find that perfect one but it doesn't always mean we have to settle just because we're comfortable.

Ok ok already...basically I thought I'd blog because I wanted to vent what I was feeling inside. There's a boy...ok...well there's two so far. And yeah, I think I like the one because physically he's my type. And well then there's the other guy...and well I like his personality. Both two great guys...but two guys who disappoint me equally. One only calls when he needs something from me...and the other has stopped calling. It's been a long time since I've been involved with anyone...and maybe I'm starting to get to that age where I feel like it's time to settle. And when you have that feeling, you're not quite sure if the feelings you have for someone is all that genuine.

So now I've vowed to myself...that I wouldn't give in to either of these guys. I won't attempt at calling either one of them...and just see what happens.

July 24th Horoscope

Your recent attempts to catch the eye of that certain someone haven't been as successful as you had hoped they would be, and it's time to realize that you should move on. The more energy you waste on someone who isn't responsive, the less energy you have to start discovering new interests. Your life is about way more than having a relationship or getting someone to notice you. Think more about pleasing yourself right now -- and less about pleasing others.

Brick

This was shared to me by a friend...and I was really moved by it. So I thought I'd post it up here to remind me from time to time the important lesson.

A young & successful executive was traveling down a
neighbourhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was
watching
for kids darting out from between parked cars & slowed down
when he thought
he saw something. As his car passed, no children
appeared.

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!He
slammed on the brakes & backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick
had
been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the
nearest
kid & pushed him up against a parked car shouting,"What was that
all about
& who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That's a new
car & that
brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you
do it?"The young
boy was apologetic."Please, mister... please, I'm sorry but
I didn't know what
else to do," he pleaded. "I threw the brick because no
one else would stop..."

With tears dripping down his face & off his chin, the
youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he
said,
"he rolled off the curb & fell out of his wheelchair & I can't
lift him
up." Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you
please help me
get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt & he's too
heavy for
me."

Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the
rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy
back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief & dabbed at
the
fresh scrapes & cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to
be
okay."Thank you & may God bless you," the grateful child told the
stranger.

Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy
push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.It was
a
long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but
the
driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.

He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:Don't
go through life so fast that someone has tothrow a brick at you to get your
attention!God whispers in our souls & speaks to our hearts. Sometimes
when
we don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It's our
choice to
listen or not.

is today the day???

I simply read my horoscope for the entertainment factor. Not because I believe that it will tell me what will happen in my life. Today's horoscope intrigued me and I thought I'd share it with you. For those of you who know me, know that I've been sitting on something for a long time now. Could perhaps this be my big break day???

Aquarius
January 20 - February 17
An unusual sense of determination could drive you to complete a long-term goal that could change your life in some way. Perhaps you are seeking a new job, or experimenting with non-traditional ways of earning a living. You are a natural healer, dear Aquarius, and today this talent could unexpectedly increase. This is also a great time to combine the arts with modern technology, perhaps in such fields as computer graphics or sound engineering.

Wow, it's been such a long time since I blogged in here. Got so caught and busy with work that I hardly had time to come by. Nothing much has happened significantly since I last blogged. Same old stuff...just a different day.

I just got back from taking a bit of a break from the usual routine. Went away to Mt. Tremblant with some friends. I had an amazing time. Definitely one of my best trips I've taken in the last 5 years! We didn't even want to go home just yet neither.

Anyhoo, I've once again been doing alot of soul searching and trying to sort things out in my life. I've discovered along the way again, the type of person that I would like to date...possibly even see myself settling with. I want someone who I can talk with...joke with...and be serious with. I want a gentleman that will open the car door for me or hold the door open for me. I want someone who will spoil me with simple things...like a quick back rub, running their fingers through my hair or even just rubbing my arm to help me fall asleep. I'm not asking for perfection...I'm just looking for just right. I'm looking for someone who will go out of their way to try and make my day even if it's just sending me a quick handwritten note to say he misses me.

I want to be someone who will stay true to themselves and will appreciate me for me...and not want to change me in any way except if it's for the better. I want to feel the sparks in the palm of my hand even if we just hold each other's hands. I want to be able to sit in silence and enjoy each other's company.

"I want you to want me

I need you to need me

I'd love you to love me

I'm begging you to beg me"

Don't take it personal

Have you ever had one of those days when all you wanted to do was just raise your hands and scream to the world "That's it...I give up. I've had enough...I'm tired of everything"?

I'm having one of those days and I have no one to blame but myself. What am I so tired about? I'm tired of trying to be the one to extend my friendship to someone who obviously doesn't want it. I'm tired of doing all the chasing yet at the same time, I'm so frustrated just sitting here waiting for something to happen. It's like this....contact the person and then wait...wait...wait...wait...and keeping waiting for a response. Honestly, if you don't want to talk, just say so...don't even appear online to me. Or better yet, if you're busy...just say so. Don't leave me hanging here looking like a damn fool.

"It's just one of them days that a girl goes through, when I'm angry inside don't wanna take it on you." -Monica

Perhaps it's just one of them days that I'm going through. Whatever it is...I know I'm not liking the person that I'm seeing.

Why can't I get you out of my head?
Why is that no matter how hard I try, I can't help but think about you?

I don't really know what it is about you that attracts me to you
I hardly know you but yet it feels like it's been a life time

You're charming, you seem like a sweet person, you make me laugh
You make me feel good yet uncomfortable at the same time

Why can't I get you out of my head?
Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't help but think about you?

All we have is chance...chance to cross paths
I'm here....you're there...and all we do is take chances to be together

When I hear your voice, it makes me melt
It makes me wanna tell you everything that happened to me that day

Why can't I get you out of my head?
Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't help but think about you?

I long to hear your voice everyday
To put me at ease when my day has been so hectic

Do you feel the same way that I do?
Or has everything just been just a game to you?

Why can't I get you out of my head?
Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I can't help but think about you?

unknown

"Hey there, where you from?"
"Toronto, u?"

With the emerge of the Internet, networking websites, various messenging programs (MSN, AIM, Yahoo!) and some chat sites, it has become so much easier to stay connected with people all over the world. You can even stay connected with the use of your cell phone.

"A/S/L?"
"2?/F/Toronto"

A simple question can lead to so many possibilities-possibilities of friendship, relationships, one night stands etc. How easy it is to just approach someone online in pursuit of getting to know them. That safe feeling knowing that you can hide behind the screen of a computer without totally feeling rejected. But are we really that safe? Who is to say that the person behind the SN is really who they say they are?

Somewhere within you, you find yourself saying "I think this person is safe". Call it gut feeling or simply being naive, you take the chance to continue to get to know the person. Slowly the two of you get to know each other by chatting every night. You're both anxious to see if the other is online so that you guys can talk. The chats evolve from being on the computer to texting each other then eventually to talking on the phone.

Then you can't stop thinking about that person. All you wanna do is to talk to them...they say things to you that sends butterflies to go fluttering in your stomach. You're disappointed when you don't see them online or can't get through on their cell phone. All this before you physically get to see them.

But what happens when this someone lives no where near you in the least bit. Will there ever be an opportunity to actually get to hang with them? Does all the chatting, getting to know you all add up to just wasted time?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who are we to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are we not to be.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel small around you. We were born to manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And when we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson



I first read this quote about a year ago when my boss handed it out to us. It left my feeling like that I had a right to be proud of my accomplishments. Recently, I heard it again while watching the movie "Akeela and the Bee". For those that haven't seen it, definitely a nice movie to watch. It is more than just a movie about a young girl and her desire to win the national spelling bee. It teaches about working hard, going after your dreams and not to sit in the shadows of someone else's glory if you're more than worthy to be that same person. It sheds lights on the idea of friendship.



So, it had me thinking...who am I not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Why should I settle for anything else but the best?

Enough is enough

So my parents have been away along with my brother for 6 weeks, and at first I must admit it was quite an adjustment to get use to coming home to an empty house. But after 1 or 2 weeks, I started to get use to living on my own....no one to tell me when to go to bed...ask me where I was going...or why I was coming home so late. Imagine, six weeks of coming and going, getting things done around the house when I wanted to without the feeling of guilt of leaving it for so long. I started thinking to myself "I can really get use to living like this. Living on my own."

Fast forward to the present, and what do I find. I'm worrying about not coming home right after work, I'm concerned about leaving at an "inappropriate" time to go hang out with friends. You guessed it, the family is back home. After weeks of not having anyone to worry about except for myself, I find myself once again worry about these people. And not only is it worrying about them...but stressing about them.

The day they arrived home and they got into the SUV at the airport, I sat there beside my mom and I could feel my chest starting to get tight again. A feeling that I almost forgot about for 6 weeks. My headaches were coming back...and I was short of breathe. My mother makes me feel this way. I hate to admit it but I think that my mother is the root of all my stress or anxiety attacks in my life. She makes me feel so stressed. I think my BP levels rise whenever I'm around her.

Don't get me wrong, I care deeply for my parents and would be terribly upset if something were to happen to them. But I think I've come to realize that it's time that I were on my own. In my own place, away from the stress and feelings of guilt. Enough is enough...I no longer want to be a prisoner of my own thoughts...I want to feel free...and relaxed. I'll make it a point that in the next year or two, moving out is on my list of priorities.

No more stress....no more anxiety attacks....enough is enough.....

...2008....

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

It's a new year...and it's a time when people wipe their slates clean to start fresh. I, like many others hope for a year that's filled with love, good fortune and happiness. So, after a lot of thinking I have thought about what it is that I want to accomplish this year.


This year I want to...

• to be open to try anything. This one thing could mean a year filled with happiness and possibly love. This year I want to hear more of "yeah, sure I'll try it..why not?" instead of "Um...no thanks". But at the same time I want to be able to confidently say "NO" when it is necessary for me to say it so that I will not be taken of advantage of due to my "nice-ness".
• finally say "good bye" to a huge chunk of my debts. It's so easy to get yourself into debt, but seems almost impossible to get out of it. I want to be free of it before I at least turn 30 (which isn't too far away! eeks!)
• start saving more money to finally buy my first home before the age of 30 years old all on my own!
• re-establish my relationship with Him. I've lost my way and have been so distracted that I have left little to no time for Him. I want to talk toHhim on a daily basis...get closer to Him...and live my life for Him.
• strengthen my relationships with those that I love and hold dear to my heart. I want to spend more time with my family and work on the communication that often times falls apart.
• find myself and my purpose in Life. Why am I really here on Earth for?? What does He have planned for me?? I want to start loving myself all over again. When did I start to hate myself again?? Why am I not content with who I am?

The list may seem long...and impossible but without something to aim for, I will achieve nothing.